A week back in New York and my world as I know it has blown up and I am left picking up the smoldering, dismantled pieces. Ironically, prior to my departure, I asked for this, prayed to be challenged and pushed, to be forced to change my life. As expected, God responds and has rocked me to the very core. Spending the last week digesting the magnitude of the trip, I attempt to sort out my emotions and adjust back to America. To be honest, I am struggling, as I am so internally affected by India, by the culture and alternative means of living. Consequently, I am unable to resort back to my previous ways, for my perspective is inevitably altered, my eyes now wide open. Changes are eminent and I am slowly uncovering the depth of what I experienced on my incredible adventure. As my final blog entry, I reflect back on all the lessons I receive as a result of exploring India. Some are novel, never revealed to me prior to this journey. Others have been reoccurring, lessons I know all too well but may have lost sight of and in need of reminding. Regardless, I am touched profoundly, in ways never before witnessed and feel the intense responsibility to share with others what is transpiring within the depths of my soul.
The best decision of my life thus far is to leave the comfortably familiar and venture around the world. If New York is the center of the universe, then India is its pulsating heartbeat. Despite my limited travels, I am insanely, passionately, irrationally in love with this country. Triangularly jutting into the Indian Ocean, this is an energetic land of sensory overload. The steamy subcontinent of mountains, deserts and lush coastlines overflows with life. The vibrant people, manifesting truth in their eyes and joy in their hearts, are the most beautiful beings I have ever encountered. They are a more primitive society, valuing the simple things and enjoying each day's process. There is a palpable collective consciousness, not individualistic like much of the Western world, but energetic, alive and graceful. I feel their warmth and wisdom permeate the air. India is a scintillating array of food, festivals, and feelings layered with spice and sweat. As my henna designs fade, I struggle to keep my Indian spirit alive, dressing in brightly colored clothing and scarfs, wearing my bindi on the streets of Manhattan, sitting in my meditation room surrounded by new treasures. I am unable to resist eating with my hands, drinking Chai with my afternoon snack, and constantly prowling for Indian restaurants. When I am particularly homesick, I light my incense and play native music, transporting myself back to the hot, humid land of love, whose roots are embedded in the truth of our existence. I recall the overwhelming beauty that seeps into everything, for it is the most magical place of insurmountable spirit. I look forward with great anticipation to the day I return. I know with conviction that my origins lay embedded somewhere within the thick, rich Indian soil.
With a refreshed perspective, it is strikingly apparent that this world is in utter disarray, an asylum of politics, greed and misplaced priorities. We foolishly believe the causes of sufferings are external to the self, when in truth everything lies within and is available at any moment. The misery we experience is a result of missing ourselves, attention fixed on mistaken identities and self-limiting beliefs. We attempt to control every gesture, stifling and judging every impulse, alienating us farther away from our true nature. As a universal consciousness, we are disconnected from the scaredness of our own being. Stuck in disharmony is every emotion, thought and muscle. We must abandon all memory and imagination, our allegiance to the past and future, and remain rooted in the present. Every single human being is responsible for the mindless ignorance that pervades our world. We reside in absolute darkness, high on ego and possessions, unaware of reality. The problems prevail because we think we are separate, creating an oppressive and defensive environment, overflowing with disquietude and isolation. Allowing our heads rather than our hearts to lead, we miserably run crazed in absolute indecision and confusion. The mind is forever trying to control, redundant and dull with its patterns, rituals, routines. It believes itself and consequently, binds us down and shackles our spirits. The only real freedom is freedom from the mind, from suffocating conditions. We are the unknown and must learn to use the mind but never be used by the mind. I refuse to be mutilated by the majority. Truth is never the masses, it is the individual, the few and rare. The heart is always total without divisions. The whole of existence is divine. It is vital we try not to escape from situations, but rather become more aware, striving to be in the world and not a product of it. Uncover the latent good within. Begin to understand the spellbinding, mysterious self. Fall in tune with your soul and quench the craving for the real, impassioned connection with the divine. Do not miss the utterly rapturous gift of your being.
I understand more fully that Yoga is the way to overcome the mind and its limitations, not exclusively held to twisty poses and standing on my head, but rather the mystic union of the self. Developed by courageous people who denied blind faiths and the convenience of religions, yoga focuses on investigating the wantonness of my innermost being. It is a science of subjectivity, a means to understand my own nature in order to develop a strong foundation where all other relationships emerge. I am ready to become a wanderer of my consciousness, developing the discipline to be a free spirit. Self-examination through this practice will reveal my true essence. I am wiping off the layers of grime from my thoughts, impressions, and desires in order to live a simple and natural life, a creative life where individual growth is the focus. I understand it does not happen within relgions or universities, for these are prisons of morality followed out of fear. I realize no priest or Bible promise can help me attain the inner transformation I seek; rather, I must have trust and confidence in myself, for this journey is made alone. The real examination will be the universe itself. To succeed, I must remain sensitive, allowing myself to feel uncomfortable as I move away from the mind and closer to the heart. I am prepared for it to come to me and through me, letting the ego evaporate, with the intention of being unconcerned with ambitions and desires but instead saturated with love, peace, and emptiness. God speaking directly to me and the trust I have in that voice is my religion.
I am discovering my life passions and pursuits, my true purpose for this life. As a genuine creator, I am a vehicle possessed by the untamed forces of God. Work that is my love and prayer. Through it I find my being, as a mirror that reflects back. A passionate affair in which I gain absolute fulfillment, where my whole life is worship. Society may not pay so although I chance remaining poor, it is a risk worth taking because my inner riches will cascade forth from my core. I am unable to settle or make concessions, for whatever I feel to do, I must do. No one grants permission because living is free and accessible to everyone. We are given life but our responsibility is to create meaning out of it. Existence precedes essence for one organic unity. First, I must change my inner climate in order to become a infinite source of positive energy. That in effect will reach others by its own accord. My very energies will thus spread forth to all the world. Wherever I go, I bring that atmosphere with me.
I am aware that the most important thing is to be true to myself, to fall into my own being and listen to the inner voice that whispers, however quiet and muffled. I follow my instincts, whims, and whatever attracts me even if I am lead off the beaten path, for this is truly where life resides. I am undergoing a revolution of my heart, and in doing so, must remain rooted in myself. As much as I love travel, I understand that there is no where to go; I carry all that is necessary within at every moment. Allowing that which is hidden to be manifested, my deepest being flows through me . I am aready carrying the seed, we all are, albeit in need of the proper care and nourishment.
Traveling reveals to be fully alive, I accept the possibility of being lost, the uncertainty of the unknown, the discomfort and inconvenience of the unfamiliar. I will not remain paralyzed by fear. No one can insure my life. In our world, nothing is guaranteed. If it were, the thrill disappears; we stagnant and die. I can no longer pretend to be asleep. Life is beautiful because it is insecure, because there is death, because it can be missed. I am allowing myself to be enticed towards adventure, seduced into living dangerously and accepting the call of the unexplored. I am on the move, never anchored anywhere. I refuse to settle into security, comfort zones and safety nets. I will not be a part of the human dis-ease. My road and principles are not fixed beforehand. I am choosing to flow naturally; that will be my way.
And when I am able to live with my heart in charge and my soul leading the way, my life will become a love story. If I carry the light within, then there is no fear. Darkness can reign outside. Better to be cold and remain with truth than surrounded by lies and feel warmth. My light is sufficient; it illuminates my path. For I have within my being the inexhaustible sources of energy, the enduring and mysterious power of life. I am a seeker of truth, I follow no set path for this is not a journey, but a let-go. Unburdened by my past, unconcerned with my future, I experience the real and become a witness. Utterly drunk with God. I allow my heart to be the real source of my strength, overriding any situation, thought or belief. As long as I follow it in the effort to find the truth of life, then nothing can prevent it. Growth is a responsibility. Great courage is necessary. I must live an authentic life. Welcome to my heart.
